Inspiration from Miss Carrie Bradshaw

“As we drive along this road called life, occasionally a gal will find herself a little lost. And when that happens, I guess she has to let go of the coulda, shoulda, woulda, buckle up and just keep going.”

As I was getting my daily fix of Sex and the City last night, Carrie Bradshaw wrote this in her column.  She wasn’t exactly referring to my situation, but this quote could definitely apply to how I’ve been feeling lately:  lost.

I am a planner by nature.  I enjoy schedules, organization, lists, and most importantly being in control.  Every since I was little, I set goals for myself.  I rarely set goals I couldn’t attain, but I set goals nonetheless.  It might have started out small like making the competition team at dance or finding a great square dancing partner, but they eventually moved to life-changing things like attending the University of Alabama and majoring in Elementary Education.

My goals of course became bigger and better when I went to college.  This is how my life played out in my mind:

I would get my elementary education degree from the University of Alabama.  While in college I would be super involved and meet Mr. Right.  After I graduated I would become a teacher and pursue a Master’s Degree and eventually a PhD.  Sometime after I graduated and while working on degrees I’d get married and have children someday and then spend my remaining years teaching at the college level.

As you can see, my life hasn’t quite played out like that, but up until this summer…it has worked itself out.  This summer, however, has thrown me for a loop.  It never crossed my mind that I would get a pink slip after one year of teaching or that I would not be able to get any sort of teaching job.  This was no where near how I thought my life would play out and for once, this girl is lost.

I have to say, I don’t like not being in control.  I hate the fact that I can’t make the principals call me in for an interview or that I can’t just “get a job”.  Because of this, I’ve really beaten myself up this summer, analyzing every aspect of my life.  My confidence in myself is completely shot and my glass that used to always be half full has become empty.  Just last week I  had a friend say to me, “Maegan I really miss your upbeat and optimistic personality…it is really hard seeing you down like this”.  Sadly, she is not the first person to say this to me lately and it breaks my heart. 

So, I’m turning over a new leaf.  I know there is a reason for everything and although I don’t see the reason right now, I know it is there.  So, I’m going to utilize this free time to make myself better.  I’m going to sub and get my foot in the door in schools around here, cram in some PhD classes so hopefully I’ll be ready for dissertation stuff soon, get myself back in shape, relax and get my life in order and hopefully emerge a better Maegan.   There is no point in wasting time analyzing the “coulda woulda shoulda” because I can’t change the past, but I can change the future.  So in the words of Miss Carrie Bradshaw, this girl is going to buckle up and keep going :)

As always, thanks for all the continued support and advice.  This has been a topic I’ve struggled with all summer (as many of you have seen my depressing twitter and facebook posts), so I wanted to let you all know…I’m fine and am going to stop looking at the past and look toward the future :)

Love,

Maegan